Making The Most Of Their Time To Many With Aids, Future Must Be Lived Now

May 23, 1990|By Loretta Tofani, Inquirer Staff Writer

When 33-year-old Michael Bazinet was diagnosed with AIDS in September, the rest of his life" had a new meaning.

A young man's vague goals and dreams for a lifetime demanded, from Bazinet, an immediate and difficult decision. He knew his lifetime now was likely to last only a few years. How should he spend them?

"There is a kind of deadline, a Damocles (sword) hanging over you," Bazinet explained, referring to a Greek legend in which a king seats a courtier at a feast under a sword hanging by a single hair.

It is a feeling known by many people infected with the AIDS virus. Many suddenly decide to write books, create art or engage in pastimes they've been meaning to do at some point in the future, according to interviews with men and women who have the disease and counselors who see them.

Bazinet, who graduated from the University of Pennsylvania on May 14, had planned to get a doctorate in anthropology. But suddenly the prospect of four more years of courses was a luxury he no longer could afford. "I didn't want to waste too much time preparing for the future," Bazinet said.

In January, Bazinet decided to scrap his plans for a doctorate and do something he had been dreaming of and postponing for years: write a book about the medieval Egyptian clothing at the University of Pennsylvania Museum. The clothing from that period represents about a quarter of the museum's textile collection.

Those who are not inclined to write books or create art often devote themselves, as did David Chickadel, to fighting for money or services for people with AIDS. Chickadel, a hospital technican who later died of AIDS, founded the AIDS organization We the People.

Virtually all who have chosen a new project or direction bring a special urgency to their work - a grim determination to surmount obstacles.

Although some say that being productive helps them ward off depression, others admit to a grander goal: immortality.

"How do people without any kind of progeny cope with leaving no mark on society?" asked Chuck Wheeler, 40, a manager for the city Office of Housing and Community Development who is writing a book for community groups on how they can get support and resources.

"All these people liked the nice things I had done for them, but I wanted something more permanent," Wheeler said in explaining that he undertook his book after learning that he was infected with the AIDS virus.

MIDDLE AGE

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Although many healthy people also re-examine their lives in middle age, when they become more conscious of their mortality, most AIDS patients are in their 20s and 30s.

Robert Schoenberg, a counselor at the University of Pennsylvania, noted that AIDS patients react as do most elderly people in the United States, who have a reputation for cutting through the crap, not putting up with formality and process. They don't have a lot of time. Maybe this is the same phenomenon but at an earlier age and at an accelerated pace."

Mary Cochran, who has a doctorate in psychology and counsels many AIDS patients, said she had encouraged AIDS patients to fulfill their dreams for the future. She asks her patients, "Have you had some dreams you haven't fulfilled? I know you didn't envision this happening, but how did you see your life being out there in the future and can we bring some of that future into the now?"

Bazinet learned that he was infected with the AIDS virus in June 1988. At first, he said, he ignored the news. He didn't let himself consider, he said, that the virus could shorten his life.

Reality hit him harder when, more than a year later, he was diagnosed at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania with AIDS. Bazinet found

himself re-evaluating his goals four months later. During a counseling session with Schoenberg in January, Bazinet talked about his plan to get a doctorate in anthropology.

Schoenberg said he recalled Bazinet saying, "I have this other interest, a private passion."

With that, Bazinet described his desire to write a book on the Egyptian clothing at Penn's museum.

Bazinet also described the problem that had prevented him from undertaking the project: He didn't believe he could get academic credit for it, and he couldn't support himself while doing it.

Schoenberg suggested that Bazinet "see if the museum will support you," Bazinet recalled.

The museum's curators agreed to let Bazinet undertake the project. "The more research done on each piece, the more knowledge we have," explained David Silverman, the museum's associate curator. University officials told Bazinet that he could make the project a master's thesis.

MUSEUM SUPPORT

Bazinet was elated. Before his AIDS diagnosis, he hadn't expected to begin the project until he had finished his doctorate, at the earliest. "I thought maybe I'd go back to it. It was something I liked, something I wanted to do, but I didn't think there was a way to do it," Bazinet said.